Office Safe and Other Fake Swear Words
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Ever let profanity slip while at work?
Oops!
For most places, this is a major no-no. Many places of business use a swear box, in which you have to give a certain amount of money every time you let profanity slip. And in some cases? Using profanity can get you fired!
But here's the deal. We realize that not all of your words are that bad. We also realize that some habits are more difficult to break than others.
What's the best way to break a habit?
To substitute the bad habit with a good habit! Good luck on everything breaking those other bad habits you've got, but here is a list of safe (and highly creative!) alternatives for your swear words.
Creatively Altered
The easiest way to use profanity that isn't really profanity is to substitute with something that still (at least slightly!) resembles it. Here are some examples:
- Son of a Sea Cook!
- I fardled that right up.
- Shazbot
- Holy Carp!
- Sugar honey iced tea!
- Okey dokey, smokey!
- Mother of Goodness
- Oh, truck.
- Where the fu-la la la la are my keys?
- Shootdarn, I didn't mean to do that!
TV Shows
Does your favorite TV show have a couple of funny swear substitutions? I know a couple that have stuck in my head!
- Sweet Nibblits! -- almost everyone, in Hannah Montana
- Crikey! -- Steve Irwin, The Crocodile Hunter
- Peas and Rice! (instead of "Jesus Christ") -- television censoring of Shaun of the Dead
- Oh, balls. -- Bobby Singer, Supernatural
- We just saved the sodding world together -- Crowley, Supernatural
- Dag nab it! -- Elmer Fudd, Looney Tunes
- Sufferin' Succotash -- Sylvester, Looney Tunes
Movies
Scooby Dooby Doo
- Holy Wow!
- Jeepers!
- Jinkies!
- Zoinks!
 | Here's a link for The Tinker Bell movie. Buy it on Amazon today! Amazon Price: $12.49 List Price: $29.99 |
Disney's Tinker Bell Series
- Who gives a pile of pebbles?
- Why, that's flitterific!
- Splinters!
- Teetering Teapots!
- By the second star!
- Fly with you!
Harry Potter Swears
These types of swears, I have to admit, are always my favorite. They are simply so creative! Many of them are said by one Ronald Weasley.
- Blimey!
- Merlin's beard
- Troll bogeys!
- And what in the name of Merlin's most baggy Y Fronts was that about?
And of course because Ron is so creative about Merlin's body parts and clothing, it is the perfect encouragement to abuse the poor mystical man even more!
- Merlin's pink tutu!
- Why, Merlin's toe socks!
- Ugh, even Merlin's toe fungus wouldn't smell like that!
- That's why Merlin's beard is so big; it's full of secrets!
(Okay, so the last one is technically from Mean Girls. Still worth using!)
Non-Canon Wizard Swears
Ever watch the Potter Puppet Pals? They're hilarious! Watch the video for their skit, "Wizard Swears" below!
Potter Puppet Pals: Wizard Swears
Miscellaneous Films
- Feck off -- Almost Famous
- Bocce Balls -- Splash
- The squid hath hitteth the fan...eth. -- 10 Things I Hate About You
- Dip-a-dee-doo-da! -- Cinderella
- I'm a cotton-headed ninny muggins. -- Elf
Smart Kids' Substitutions
Kids will always and forever find words to use when they're trying to sound badass. Want to sound like an "adult"? Swear! Apparently, children still think this makes them look or seem older. The ones who aren't brave enough or just don't care to use the real words are the ones who get super creative.
continued!
- Heck and double heck!
- H-E-Double Hockey Sticks!
- Tottering Tadpoles!
- Oh, bark!
- Glory!
- Crud
- geez
- gosh darnit
- shucks
- Fudge Buckets!
- Shut the front door
- Go blow it out your ear
- Funky nuggets
- Lickety split
- Oh, sheep.
- Oh, ship!
- Galloping gremlins!
- Sugar
- Rats
Cars
Want to use more than just a nonsensical word? I've heard people suggest using car names as substitutions for profanity!
- Mercedes Benz it, I wanted to catch the train!
- Ford it all!
- Sports coup de ville, but that doesn't look right.
- Chevy Tracker you all.
- That is SO DeLorean!
- Trans Am it all!
- Ford Crown Victoria in a sweater at Christmas!
- Mustang Sally!
Commercials
Why aren't there more of these? I can only think of 3 at the moment. Have some in mind? Tell me about them below!
- I'll pineapple-slap your ascot. -- Orbits gum
- Kiss my Madagascar fanny pack -- Orbits gum
- You're a dill-headed winker toss, you know that? -- Norton 360 Commercial
That's all, folks!
This is only the beginning. I'm sure of it! I'm sure you all have adopted many sayings and words from pop culture (and maybe even from not so popular culture!) to use in substitution of profanity.
Have a favorite? Know what you use a lot or will now be using at work, at play, and in front of the kids and parents? Share below!
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I've heard a bunch of them, I watch many of the shows and movies I listed, and I asked around. xD You'd be amazed all the funny ones I've heard at my different temp jobs! "Son of a sea cook" is from one of the women I worked with at the hospital a couple months ago. It always makes me cackle.
Thanks for bookmarking! I'll definitely remember Franklin Delano for next time.
I love "Son of a sea cook"!!!!!
What a blast. Thanks for the giggle. I do try, largely unsuccessfully, to limit my swearing to when I'm in the car with the windows up. I don't see that I need anger management - it's a stress relief when on the road
Baha I understand! I'm the same way. My sister actually calls it "road sarcasm" instead. XD It really helps to say SOMETHING, even if it's just, "Oh, yeah that's okay. Just pull out in front of me and go 20 mph. Whatever." XD Her sarcasm gets hilarious. Thanks for stopping by; glad I could offer a laugh! =)
As a teacher, I am one that could potentially be fired for using bad language. My students are funny sometimes - one student told me "She said the "S" word" after telling him that he could tell me what the word was without getting in trouble I found out the "S" word he was referring to was "stupid!"
I also got a huge gasp from the entire class when I had finally had enough of the talking and actually said "Shut Up!!" in class - it was a mistake and I haven't done it since - but it sure got their attention and they did shut up!
Some of the words I use: schizzle sticks....fudge cookies and applesauce...stinky doo doo...and farblenidgits...don't know where they came from except in the heat of the moment in a class full of kids!
I have to freaken admit it I love it!
Very funny stuff!! I'm sharing this with my nutty friends on Facebook!! BTW - My favorite non-swear word is... "Horse feathers!!"
My dad used to say son of a buscuit
lol Fun read. In the commercial category there was the Burger King Big Buckin Chicken...
Mother Trucker!
It doesn't seem like it, but "Shut the Front Door" can really sound bad when it is said. I heard someone say it and had to do a double take before I burst out laughing.
Some great substitutes here. Well written and useful.
I have been surprised at the increase in expletives on British TV in recent years.
It's not big and it's not clever. In many cases it is going for the cheap laugh.
I listen to swearing all day from school children (I am a teacher) but as soon as a teacher lets out a 'Sheesh' or similar the kids act as if you just dropped an F bomb. Talk about double standards.
Voted up
ahahah this was funny! Thanks for the laugh.. I had to facebook share this one. pfft.. hilarious (loved the video of the puppets too)!
This one was really cute. I had not heard of all of these. I'm so glad I saw this one going by on the feed. Great job!. I bet it took you a while to gather all these together. Enjoyed it immensely!
@JustATeacher: It's so easy to forget how new words can be to children! XD I had to rethink my language the other night while babysitting. "Crap" is a no-no word as well. Thanks for sharing!
@Frank Atanacia: Ah ha, that's the spirit! =D
@SweetSusieG: Horse Feathers! XD Love it. Thanks for sharing!
@Lambservant: That's a good one! "son of a" swears are always silly and perfect. =)
@Sherry: Oooo, I completely forgot about the Burger King one! Thanks so much!
@Phil: XD Indeed. Sounds enough like the real thing to make any bystanders worry! (And that's what's so appealing about it!)
@revybaby: The first time I'd ever heard that was watching the commercial! XD When my nieces started saying it, I couldn't help but crack up.
@Molometer: I agree with you there. There are some movies that use profanity so much that I wonder if they're just using it as a substitute for nudity just to get more people to watch it. Thanks so much for sharing and for voting!
@PeanutButerWine: Always glad to help out with a laugh! =) The Potter Puppet Pals have tons more videos if you're interested. Just search on YouTube. Thanks for reading!
@Homesateadbound: I'm glad you caught it! =D Yes, it took a good while to gather these. xD I'd been thinking of writing the article for weeks and would gather one swear here or there, and then when I sat down and actually researched for more, it was hours before I was finished! Thanks for the feedback!
I also like "you lint licker!" :)
@Kitty: Yes! XD It's pretty much the worst insult, isn't it? Who would do that?!
One of my all time favorite "Things Kids Say" moments was when my son, at the time very young, informed his grandmother and I that he wanted to watch "Get your @%# kicked park"... I felt awful when I realized what he was actually saying was Jurassic Park, and the poor little guy couldn't understand why Mommy was so upset when all he wanted to do was see the dinosaurs!
LOL! Omg that's just precious! XD My sister used to sing that one country song "on my front porch sitting," and it talked about eating chicken or something? I don't know; I don't listen to country. But when she was younger, she would say, "On the front porch sh**ting" instead! XD Cracked us all up. I love kids' view of the world.
One of my coworkers used, "Cheese and Rice," but was told by our district manager that it was too close to the real thing...Some of us are in very tiny boxes.
Eek. I'm sorry to hear that. Cheese and rice isn't close enough for me to even have figured that out on my own if I hadn't heard it before. XD Hopefully more creativity will help. I've found that sometimes, you just need to say something, whether it's a real swear word or not.
Hilarious, hilarious and funny. I've heard a few of these in offices when people become angry and everyone starts laughing instead. Thanks a million for this Hub that I have bookmarked.
I linked to this Hub from one of mine on name calling and profane language in the workplace. Thanks!
Thanks so much for both the comment and the link, Patty! =) Glad you like the swears haha. You're right that it does sometimes help to ease tension in the workplace. Thanks again!
Victoria Lynn Level 8 Commenter 6 months ago
Where did you find all those? Those are so cool! The same commercial that I've seen say, "Shut the front door!" also has "Well, Franklin Delano!" Funny stuff. I must bookmark this one!